So call me a loser, but i was watching full house today. in this episode, jesses grandfather died. I was just about to turn it off, because this episode always makes me cry, when the scene when michelle finds out he did came and before i knew it i was in tears. It hit me that i reacted the exact same way when i heard that my papa died.
it was may 1st 2003. it was my 10th birthday party. i was so mad that my parents made me cancel my birthday plans. i was to young to understand that he was gone.
not until the next year. when christmas came and he wasnt there
then easter came and he wasnt there
i didnt get a birthday card from him the next year
cards werent signed love grandma and papa.
its been 5 years and it still hurts.

i love how people take things so god damn personally. Its not your fault a boy likes another girl. get over your self darling. things happen. its called life. get over it.
ps. she could kick your ass.

thats besides the point. i think everyone is an emotional ping pong ball. Noone ever really knows what they want until they've changed courts a few times. its true. myself included in this one. specifically with friends and school. i dont know. I guess i wont know until the oppertunity presents it self. what ever i need to know. I dont even know what i dont know.
Thats quite a quandry isnt it now?

sometimes i wish i could fall asleep and never wake up. live in a mystical dream land that is life and pray everything works out for the best. But things rarely do, for i always wake up. I wish that my dad would go to work and never come home, and that i woudnt begiin to feel replaced by my cousin and the dog as a member of the family. coz its happening slowly but surely. I wish i didnt feel threatened by every passer by with my relationship with brittney. I wish her mom didnt care.
Honestly, what is her moms beef. its been what? 9 months. almost ten. one would think by now the message would sink in that her daughter might kinda like me just a little. I've done nothing by vie for her moms acceptance. i go above and beyond my call of duty to make her like me, but nothing works. so im at my breaking point where i just cant do it anymore. i cant make her like me and it kills me. I love brittney so much that im afraid this will be the make it or break it for us. and to be honest,, that scares the shit out of me.

i so dont even know any more.