Une ode a cassandre.
so this isnt a poem, or letter. its a rant. A rant directed at one specific girl, who will know who she is.
I love you. I love you with all of my soul, and i always will be, you know that. There are some people in my life right now, who i cannot lose. You, my dear, are one of them. You're such a great friend, and a great person and i honestly appriciate every little thing that you do for me. You talk me up, and im so afraid of falling off the pedistal that you sometimes elevate me to. Falling off it, crashing down like i may have, hurts you, and in turn hurts me. God, i hate that. I hate that i'm so me sometimes. I love that you understand it. And the letter i addressed eariler wasnt legitimate. She loves me and i love her, but were both too young to know if we'd actually get married. The previous post wasnt supposed to be a slap in the face to you. I didnt know how to tell you how i felt, and i figgured that was the most direct way. I dont want to hurt the friendship that took so long to reconstruct. Its like pouring water over something you just cleaned all the rust off of. I may not feel romantically for you anymore, but that in no way means that i dont love you. Maybe im over dramatic. Maybe im irritating and hard to deal with. I know you dont know what to say to me half the time; a simple liz, shut the hell up works jsut fine. I hate that i hurt you. Im sorry that i hurt you because i care about you.

<3

Soo, today was fun actually.. Kinda. ish. What ever. It wasnt utterly horrible which is a new theme in my life: thinking on the brighter side of things. So speaking of, i had call backs today, and i was a little off during the song but thats okay, because i nailed the parts they were listening for, plus they know i can sing.. ya digg? I nailed my dialogue. which is really good. I'm pleased.
as for other events: Brittney asked me to marry her in a letter? It was so sweet and omgahh. I love her so much. So so so so much. I could spend the rest of my life with her. I can actually see it. And i see her every day and kiss her and hold her close to me. Thats why, to be honest, cass and i didnt last. I loved her, but it was ment to be just a friendship. She lives so far away. But shes so beautiful and sweet and good hearted. I trust her with my soul.. now. We had a very very bad break up, which is why i dont think id ever go there again with her=\. it hurt so fucking bad that i thought i'd kill my self. I wanted to. I promised her i wouldnt cut when she dumped me, and i kept that promise untill like a month after the fact aka when i found out about hailey. But thats besides the point really. Now me and cassie are just friends and i know that she has more feeling for me then jsut that, and i respect her for telling me, i just.. dont return those feelings, and it sucks because shes such a great friend to me. I love her with all my heart i really do.. just not romantically.. the only one i love romantically is brittney lyn st.john, my today, my tomorrow and my forever.
umm. i think that about covers it.. english midterm.. great googley moogely!

=\

So my mood is very odd.
I feel like writing about nothing inspecific, so i will.
Brittneys uncle passed away and i dont know how to be there for her. I cant be there the way she needs me and i feel so horrible. Its tearing me apart and i havent a clue why. Im terrified of losing her. I cant lose her. She's everything i could have ever wanted. I know i've said that before, but i dunno. il y a un je ne sais quoi, so to speak.
Shes mad at me and its not my fault. My dad was screaming at me to shovel the walk so i had no choice and i had three seconds to get her a text that she never got. God. im such a fuck up. all i will ever be is just a fuck up. My dad thinks so, my friends think so. i think so.
thats another thing. i dont know where all the people who i thought my friends went. Its like they've disappeared off the face of the fucking planet with out any notice. If they have, they have together because pictures and notes keep popping up all over facebook about how much time they spend iwht eachother while I sit at home and sulk and cry about how i have no fucking friends. I have no fucking friends. The closest i have is maggie and cassie and rebecca but they're all so damn far away. Im trying to have a friend in sam, but god knows thats nearly impossible. Every time i try and be her friend it backfires and i have no idea why. Shes influenced by people that dont like me and i know it. Ugh. I sound so insecure coz i am.
I kinda hate who i am right now. Im depressed and shit which is so weird coz im so happy with brittney. My dad and brother are constantly dragging me under and as soon as i catch my breath theres another fucking problem here. My mom has pnumonia which is bad so theres another reason for me to flounder.
If i didnt wake up tomorrow, who would notice im gone?
no one. thats who.

Pay no attention to the girl behind the façade.
She’s just another tormented soul.
Pay no attention to the girl behind the façade.
She’s just another striving to feel whole.
Pay no attention to the girl behind the façade,
Because its all a façade.
Her life’s a façade.

Pay no attention to the girl, whose life’s a lie,
Who can’t tell real from fantasy.
Pay no attention to the girl whose life’s a lie.
Who can hurt her self so easily.
Pay no attention to the girl, whose life’s a lie,
Because its all just a lie.
Her life is a lie.