So call me a loser, but i was watching full house today. in this episode, jesses grandfather died. I was just about to turn it off, because this episode always makes me cry, when the scene when michelle finds out he did came and before i knew it i was in tears. It hit me that i reacted the exact same way when i heard that my papa died.
it was may 1st 2003. it was my 10th birthday party. i was so mad that my parents made me cancel my birthday plans. i was to young to understand that he was gone.
not until the next year. when christmas came and he wasnt there
then easter came and he wasnt there
i didnt get a birthday card from him the next year
cards werent signed love grandma and papa.
its been 5 years and it still hurts.

i love how people take things so god damn personally. Its not your fault a boy likes another girl. get over your self darling. things happen. its called life. get over it.
ps. she could kick your ass.

thats besides the point. i think everyone is an emotional ping pong ball. Noone ever really knows what they want until they've changed courts a few times. its true. myself included in this one. specifically with friends and school. i dont know. I guess i wont know until the oppertunity presents it self. what ever i need to know. I dont even know what i dont know.
Thats quite a quandry isnt it now?

sometimes i wish i could fall asleep and never wake up. live in a mystical dream land that is life and pray everything works out for the best. But things rarely do, for i always wake up. I wish that my dad would go to work and never come home, and that i woudnt begiin to feel replaced by my cousin and the dog as a member of the family. coz its happening slowly but surely. I wish i didnt feel threatened by every passer by with my relationship with brittney. I wish her mom didnt care.
Honestly, what is her moms beef. its been what? 9 months. almost ten. one would think by now the message would sink in that her daughter might kinda like me just a little. I've done nothing by vie for her moms acceptance. i go above and beyond my call of duty to make her like me, but nothing works. so im at my breaking point where i just cant do it anymore. i cant make her like me and it kills me. I love brittney so much that im afraid this will be the make it or break it for us. and to be honest,, that scares the shit out of me.

i so dont even know any more.

Its astounding how much things are changing.
THis year was supposed to be out year, a year where we can be together and not give two shits about who's there and such. but now not so much. its annoying. I need her. I miss her. she basically ignored me all week becasue of band camp.
Being depressed sucks. I dont know why, i;m just so freaking lonely. i need to make new friends. i need someone to care for about 3 seconds of my life.
This sounds rediculous, i have her. its not like she's not there. shes just so.. overly involved in kickline recently and i dont begrudge her,, i just wish she could spare 7 seconds for me. blah

so i cant help but be worried about maggie. Shes going into some drug rehab-y kind of thing. I just need her to be ok. Brittney gets mad at me because apparently i'm more concerned with maggie then her. Sometimes shes right, but sometimes shes so nuts and jealous and meh. This isnt about her though. I honestly dont understand why I care as much as i do, but i do. She (maggie) has so much to look forward to, that seeing her kill her self from an overdose or bad drugs or a cut too deep makes me want to cry. I believe her when she says she's not trying to kill herself. I honestly do believe that shes trying to get better, but i fear that she cant do it alone and i dont know how to help her. Her parents couldnt care less and that makes me really sad for her. I dont know what i can do.

blah. i havent blogged in a while. so yeah.

TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY

Thirteen reason why.
Excellent. This book is deep, eye opening.. it changed my life.. at least, part of my perspective. THis is the letter i would write to mr. jay asher if i could find any trace of information as per contact. Oh well

Mr. Asher,
I just finished your compelling work- THIRTEEN REASONS WHY. I'm a freshman in Highschool, 15 years old. I've been combating undiagnosed depression for about 2 or 3 years at this point. Im sure you hear this story alot, but please hear me out. I have, a few times thought about what the character of Hannah did to herself. I knew what I was going to do, not that I'd ever be have the ability to actually enact the plan. I knew, actually, that I would never get arround to actually doing it, which in a huge way, is a huge deal, but what ever.
That being said, THIRTEEN REASONS WHY changed my perspective on alot of things. I never before realized how a death of a random classmate can effect those arround them. I felt my self picturing Hannah's parents, how they'd react, how the people who knew Hannah, but didnt receive the tapes, how Clay must have felt, as well as all the people listening to the tapes. Never once did I think about that in terms of my self. I never thought about my parents, if i did, it would always result in: they're better off with out me. I never pictured my friends, or my girlfriend or my family, how they would feel, about how they played a part in my death. This book perhaps saved my life, along with the support of those arround me.
It really hits home to see the amount of people I know who told me that I matter. i never saw it untill i read this. I know this sounds slightly pathetic, but its true. Its true that I now fully understand the repercussions for my actions in this case.
I cannot begin to thank you enough.
Sincerely,
a reader

Une ode a cassandre.
so this isnt a poem, or letter. its a rant. A rant directed at one specific girl, who will know who she is.
I love you. I love you with all of my soul, and i always will be, you know that. There are some people in my life right now, who i cannot lose. You, my dear, are one of them. You're such a great friend, and a great person and i honestly appriciate every little thing that you do for me. You talk me up, and im so afraid of falling off the pedistal that you sometimes elevate me to. Falling off it, crashing down like i may have, hurts you, and in turn hurts me. God, i hate that. I hate that i'm so me sometimes. I love that you understand it. And the letter i addressed eariler wasnt legitimate. She loves me and i love her, but were both too young to know if we'd actually get married. The previous post wasnt supposed to be a slap in the face to you. I didnt know how to tell you how i felt, and i figgured that was the most direct way. I dont want to hurt the friendship that took so long to reconstruct. Its like pouring water over something you just cleaned all the rust off of. I may not feel romantically for you anymore, but that in no way means that i dont love you. Maybe im over dramatic. Maybe im irritating and hard to deal with. I know you dont know what to say to me half the time; a simple liz, shut the hell up works jsut fine. I hate that i hurt you. Im sorry that i hurt you because i care about you.

<3

Soo, today was fun actually.. Kinda. ish. What ever. It wasnt utterly horrible which is a new theme in my life: thinking on the brighter side of things. So speaking of, i had call backs today, and i was a little off during the song but thats okay, because i nailed the parts they were listening for, plus they know i can sing.. ya digg? I nailed my dialogue. which is really good. I'm pleased.
as for other events: Brittney asked me to marry her in a letter? It was so sweet and omgahh. I love her so much. So so so so much. I could spend the rest of my life with her. I can actually see it. And i see her every day and kiss her and hold her close to me. Thats why, to be honest, cass and i didnt last. I loved her, but it was ment to be just a friendship. She lives so far away. But shes so beautiful and sweet and good hearted. I trust her with my soul.. now. We had a very very bad break up, which is why i dont think id ever go there again with her=\. it hurt so fucking bad that i thought i'd kill my self. I wanted to. I promised her i wouldnt cut when she dumped me, and i kept that promise untill like a month after the fact aka when i found out about hailey. But thats besides the point really. Now me and cassie are just friends and i know that she has more feeling for me then jsut that, and i respect her for telling me, i just.. dont return those feelings, and it sucks because shes such a great friend to me. I love her with all my heart i really do.. just not romantically.. the only one i love romantically is brittney lyn st.john, my today, my tomorrow and my forever.
umm. i think that about covers it.. english midterm.. great googley moogely!

=\

So my mood is very odd.
I feel like writing about nothing inspecific, so i will.
Brittneys uncle passed away and i dont know how to be there for her. I cant be there the way she needs me and i feel so horrible. Its tearing me apart and i havent a clue why. Im terrified of losing her. I cant lose her. She's everything i could have ever wanted. I know i've said that before, but i dunno. il y a un je ne sais quoi, so to speak.
Shes mad at me and its not my fault. My dad was screaming at me to shovel the walk so i had no choice and i had three seconds to get her a text that she never got. God. im such a fuck up. all i will ever be is just a fuck up. My dad thinks so, my friends think so. i think so.
thats another thing. i dont know where all the people who i thought my friends went. Its like they've disappeared off the face of the fucking planet with out any notice. If they have, they have together because pictures and notes keep popping up all over facebook about how much time they spend iwht eachother while I sit at home and sulk and cry about how i have no fucking friends. I have no fucking friends. The closest i have is maggie and cassie and rebecca but they're all so damn far away. Im trying to have a friend in sam, but god knows thats nearly impossible. Every time i try and be her friend it backfires and i have no idea why. Shes influenced by people that dont like me and i know it. Ugh. I sound so insecure coz i am.
I kinda hate who i am right now. Im depressed and shit which is so weird coz im so happy with brittney. My dad and brother are constantly dragging me under and as soon as i catch my breath theres another fucking problem here. My mom has pnumonia which is bad so theres another reason for me to flounder.
If i didnt wake up tomorrow, who would notice im gone?
no one. thats who.

Pay no attention to the girl behind the façade.
She’s just another tormented soul.
Pay no attention to the girl behind the façade.
She’s just another striving to feel whole.
Pay no attention to the girl behind the façade,
Because its all a façade.
Her life’s a façade.

Pay no attention to the girl, whose life’s a lie,
Who can’t tell real from fantasy.
Pay no attention to the girl whose life’s a lie.
Who can hurt her self so easily.
Pay no attention to the girl, whose life’s a lie,
Because its all just a lie.
Her life is a lie.